Faade

Somehow, when I heard the word "faade", I used to think of the ugly brick layering covering my ancient school, remains of an attempt to tidy it up. It's only since Devyn that the word has new meaning.

I have been in love with Devyn for nearly two years. My feelings progressed from confusing fantasies before I understood my sexuality, to a love so strong that I am a slave to it. It's a feeling so wonderful that I could fly, yet at times it threatens to destroy me. A feeling that long ago embedded itself into the very fibers of my being. Sometimes, I think it's funny. I can sit here and think about it so calmly when in reality it is the one thing that both made my life, and turned it upside-down.

I will never forget the day I became her girlfriend. It was as if all of my wildest dreams had been dropped into my lap at my slightest whim. It came so easily, it almost scared me. But, that day and months that followed were the best of my life. Every morning I would wake with a smile on my face, knowing she was mine, and every night the memory of her cushioned me in my sleep. It was perfection itself, and it began to frighten me. I had gotten her so easily, what if she could be taken away just the same? I tried not to think about it, and enjoyed my time with her, cherished it more than anything.

But it got out of hand. With external help, the festering doubt grew to an all-consuming paranoia. For nearly two months I was eaten alive, the darkness spreading through me like a noxious gas, clouding my mind. Soon, not a day began to pass where I felt that I would lose her, that I could not possibly be deserving of her. The smallest things set my heart into shadow. Ever played spin-the-bottle? It's not my thing, really, but at the slightest mention of the game, I started to cry. I tried my hardest to mask it, but I could not. The sight of her kissing someone else tore my heart apart, to the point where it was everything I could do not to explode in my agony.

I lost her. That day, even if the damage was healed, still hurts me to this day. I have far released those feelings, but in the same way you remember a painful injury, I can still remember that hurt. That day, I lost all sense of hope, of future, of opportunity. I ran away from all memories of her, as far as I could. I did not go to school. I did things that I am ashamed of now. After a while, I had to come back from my time in hiding. When I think about it now, I truly wonder if it was a good idea to leave at all, because all the pain was back. All of it. It was as if she had ripped open my heart with her bare hands the day the left me, and I had ran away to clumsily mend it. And when I came back, it was as if all the bandages had simply fallen off, and my heart was naked to her once again. I had thought it could be no worse.

But I thought wrong. Shortly after, it seemed. She told me she was seeing someone else. I truly died. I felt right back to where she had first left me, broken. But I hung on. I saw her and her new girlfriend and said nothing. Nothing at all. I thought I was handling it the best I could. But it wasn't good enough for her. She pulled me aside, and asked me what I expected of her, that she was trying to be friendly but I wasn't responding. That had done it. The anger I felt then, combined with the hurt, was stronger than I can remember. Devyn, who had single-handedly ripped apart my heart, then poured acid on it and threw it to the street, had the nerve to expect me to be over everything that had happened? I was furious for the first time in the whole event. I think that's when she started acting more reasonable towards me.

After a while, I could bear to watch her again. But as I watched her, I realized that I still wanted her. Every time she moved, a new well of memories overflowed into my mind and my desire nearly knocked me to the ground. It was around then, of course, that she admitted to her continued feelings for me.

It's times like that that truly make me question my undeterministic beliefs, and wonder if some sadistic force plans these moments of painful irony. Either way, when began to "see" each other, for a lack of better words. We were physical friends. Friends with benefits. I had jumped on the idea, my need of her finally being satiated, but I hadn't yet gotten over my paranoia, or what she had done to me to start with. It fell apart, just the same.

Yet I left that relationship more liberated. I also got a long break from her and a much-needed time to think.

Why did I let myself get like this? Why does it hurt so much? Strangely enough, asking myself these questions truly healed me. Why indeed did it hurt so much? I thought over it for many, many tearful nights, and the answer was simple. It was because I loved her. You'd think it were obvious, but after than conclusion, I realized that that was okay. I could still love her, and she didn't have to love me. I would grow to mask my feelings, and I could still love her, unnoticed. I could still have her in my life, and if she didn't love me, I could survive. As long as I could still love her.

With that thought, new life came. I could smile at her again, I could be myself, I could still love her. Her every gesture still set me on fire, but it was okay. I allowed myself that pleasure, and all at once my life regained meaning. Coming back to her felt so right, and the familiar feeling of ecstasy while hugging her enclosed me. My days became brighter. And then, it seemed, it was finally settled. We decided not to be involved with each other, each for our own reasons, but still harbour our feelings for each other. While at times this is crushingly difficult, I'm willing to wait. I'll wait as long as she needs.

This brings me to the present. I'm at her house, now, watching a TV show with her. It a little dark, but there's light coming from the TV. I see the contrast of light and shadow on her shoulders, down her neck, up her back... and want nothing more than to touch her. She smiles, and I want nothing more than to kiss her. I wouldn't call her girly in the least, but she's beautiful to me. Perhaps it's my love for her that makes her this way in my eyes, but all I know is that there is nothing I would rather look at than the symphony of dark and light on her body, nothing I would rather hear than her voice, her laugh, her words, nothing that calms me more then watching her sleep, her face slackened into peaceful slumber... It is then, as I see her breathing slow, as I draw closer and kiss her cheek, as I feel the faintest heartbeat beneath my fingers... it is then that I know it's worth keeping my faade so I can be with her in the end.