'MY SHORT LIVED CHAMPIONSHIP'

It was finally official, after more blunders than one would think possible for one person, my peers and family declared me to be 'CHAMPION OF THE SELECTIVE HEARING SOCIETY'.

How did I win that you ask? Well, I will tell you. In spite of having a very acute sense of hearing, almost to the point of being able to hear a tap dripping in a neighbour's house, I can tune out anything I choose to ignore, not hear, not pay attention to, or just do not want to know. It drives friends and family round the bend. If a subject is not interesting or I am thinking about some other darn fool thing, I tune out the words being said to me, and I do it unconsciously. I really do not have any control over this odd trait of mine. It is an interesting phenomenon, but not one that is entirely beneficial to my well being. Actually I am quite surprised I have not been tarred and feathered or run off the end of a wharf!

Hundreds of rants have been directed at me about 'not paying attention' but you see I scan through all of that as well. This odd trait of mine is called 'selective hearing', and it is a first-rate defense mechanism.

A few repercussions of my 'selective hearing' are hilarious, others not quite so entertaining, and others downright humiliating. A real faux pas can happen and cause sheer, unmitigated upheaval in my life and in the lives of those around me, yet I cannot do anything to stop it. After much self-analysis I have decided I must have a short circuit in my brain that leads me to such 'tuning out'. After all the bloopers and bizarre things that I have done caused or missed, I was elected 'Champion'. Everyone knows to be a Champion is a great feeling. I did not block that out whatsoever!

Some of the worst of my blunders have been between my Mother and me. Mother would call and tell me that someone in the family had a new baby girl, and I would enjoy the conversation If asked two hours later the sex of the baby that my cousin six times removed was rejoicing over and I would not be able to tell you. I had just not taken it in. But that small thing could be smoothed over if I set myself up to explain it in some bizarre way. Believe me it took great imagination sometimes to convince my Mother that I did indeed listen to what she was saying.

On occasion friends or family, offspring included have said to me "Why don't you just shut up and listen once in awhile?"

For the life of me I don't know why they would say such a thing, but I heard it often so they must have had just grounds for saying such a thing.

So I finally was elected 'Champion of the Selected Hearing Society', and I was amused and proud, I don't know why, I just was. Everyone likes to be a winner at something, sometime or another.

Then the biggest gaffe of all happened and of course it had to be my mother who was involved. My poor mother must despair over me at times.

A friend of the family, a person who had been on the periphery of my life since childhood, became very ill. Mother called me to inform me of his dire situation and the fact that he was not doing well, was in intensive care and she would keep me informed of his progress.

So for four or five nights in a row I received the call, and Mother would tell me the latest and I was kept aware of my family events taking place back in Newfoundland. Then one day it suddenly occurred to me that it had been two days since Mother had called me about the situation. I was living in Nova Scotia, and had nobody else to ask about this person' condition. That evening I called home.

"How is our patient?" I asked Mother.

"Oh, I thought I had called you", Mother said, "Bonnie my dear, he has gone home!"

"Home? Gone home? Well he did a quick turnaround"; I rattled on to my quietly listening Mother.

"Where is he now?" I asked, knowing that this persons' home and the hospital were miles apart.

"He is here in St. John's right now." Mother answered. For the first time I noticed the distress in her voice. But I still kept talking, that short circuit was in good form that night.

"Where is he going then?", my inattentive self pressed on.

"He is going to be with his Father", she told me.

"But I thought his father was dead?". Why couldn't I just shut up for a change as I had been advised to do so often? Oh, no, not me!

"Yes, his father is dead', Mother voice has risen a few decibels by now and she must have been wondering where she had gone wrong in raising such a stunned daughter.

"YES, HIS FATHER IS DEAD AND SO IS HE!", this mother of mine was really unhappy with me by then.

"He is dead, and gone to be with his Heavenly Father in his Heavenly Home. If you had listened to me you would know that. But no, not you! When are you ever going to shut up and listen?", she finally had heard enough.

And she was really disgusted with me at that point.

I discreetly and gingerly danced around a jumble of words and got myself out of the conversation and hung up the phone. Doing damage control is not easy with someone who knows you so well, least of all your own mother.

What had I just done I wondered? There was nothing left to do but call the one I always call in such situations-my brother. David always had a heads-up on everything and a way of soothing the nerves and by then I tell you I needed soothing! He listened to me as I explained my latest slip-up.

Then David drew a deep breath and said, much to my surprise, "Save yourself the words. Mom did not call you, but she called me. She said to me over and over, 'David my son, he's gone, he's really gone!"

Not aware that I was so close to losing my Championship title I asked him what happened after that. It all seemed innocent enough to me.

"Wellllll", said my brother, "I'm really in a muddle this time too, "Because I asked her "WHO IS HE, AND WHERE DID HE GO?"

Mother hung up!

Just as slick as that my title was gone. My brother became the 'Champion of the Selected Hearing Society'. It must be a genetic trait we decided.

Now, the quest is on. How am I going to get that title back? I'll figure something out. I'll just start with shutting up and listening for a change.

I hate losing 'Championships', especially when I only had it for half a day! I am sure a conversation with Mother can turn it all around in very short order! I hope so anyway!

Oh, did you say something?

Bonnie Jarvis-Lowe