Chapter 1

Professor Plum

The house was creaking. The wind was blowing, and I could sense that something bad was going to happen. The guests and I sat playing poker in the cold, dank room. Nobody was talking. I was getting bored. All I really wanted to do was go home. I didn't like this place. I could smell murder in the air!

"Well," I said, "I'm going to make a cup of tea. Does anyone want one?" Nobody answered. Everyone was so gormless. I didn't like these people at all. I went out of the room and into the kitchen.

This room was the same, cold, dank, gloomy. The only things I could see that were reasonably bright and shiny were a set of knives on the counter.

I took the knife out of the holder, felt it with my hand. I felt like laughing an evil laugh. The door opened.

"Plum, my old friend! Where's my cup of tea?

"Mrs. Peacock, the kettle hasn't even boiled yet."

"Well hurry it up. I'm feeling a little dehydrated."

"Make it yourself then, and, if you're making one, a cup with two sugars for me please."

"Oh you are SO rude. I'm a lady. I don't make tea for peasants like you. Make it now, or I'll scream."

"You know Miss Peacock. I've had enough of your whining. Just shut up."

"No. I will not. It is your job, peasant."

"If you say I'm a peasant one more time I swear lady, I'll kill you!"

"Oh, the peasant is getting all upset. What are you going to kill me with? Some kind of mud and clay knife?"

"NoJust a steel one."

There was a scream. A body fell to the floor.

Chapter 2

Reverend Green

The house was creaking. The wind was blowing, and I could sense that something bad was going to happen. The guests and I sat playing poker in the cold, dank room. Nobody was talking. I was getting bored. All I really wanted to do was go home. I didn't like this place. I could smell murder in the air!

"Well" Professor Plum said, "I'm going to make a cup of tea. Does anyone want one?" Not really. I don't like tea myself. I'm more of a coffee person.

"Any more bids?" said Miss Scarlett.

"Yes, I'll put in 50," said Mrs Peacock.

"Wow! Are you sure? I reckon you're bluffing," I said.

"Does anyone bid the same?" said Mrs. Peacock.

"Me. I do. I call your bid and raise you 100."

"Colonel Mustard! How dare you. The money is mine. I call your bid and I end that stage. What do you have?" she screamed

"4 of a kind; Kings." he said

"HAH. I've got 4 aces. I win. That's 150 for me! Now I'll take my money and, if you'll excuse me, I'll tell that peasant to make me my tea," she finished.

Her voice makes me tingle in my boots. Her devilish red eyes, her straggly black hair and that crooked nose. I sighed. If only I was not a priest.

"I love that woman," I muttered.

"Who?" the colonel said.

"The most beautiful person in the world, Mrs. Peacock."

"I think something has gone wrong in your head. May I remind of her crooked nose, her straggly black hair, and not to mention her devilish red eyes. Why, I must say that unless you like particularly ugly and bland women, I think you must have gone mad."

"Maybe so, maybe not. Anyhow, I'm off to the toilet."

After emptying my bladder, I found my love walking towards me.

"Mrs. Peacock, how are you?"

"Needing the toilet very much thank you Reverend."

"I see, I just went myself, not very nice in there, not up to a lady's standard."

"Oh, well that won't do. Take me to a posh toilet Reverend."

"Yes ma'am." She was walking with me; I had to ask her now or never.

"Mrs. Peacock, run away with me." She stared at me with her stunning red eyes.

"Oh, Reverendno. I'm married."

"Well forget him, we're all that matters. We'll go anywhere any place to make it work." I grabbed her arm. "Because I love you."

"Well I don't love you. Now get off me. You are a priest; you are not allowed to run away with a married woman. So please, get off my arm, now."

"No."

"Get off," she screamed, "get off me. Stop manhandling me. You cretin, you peasant, you"

"Either run away with me, or die. I can't bear to see you in the arms of another man." I took the toilet brush from behind my back.

"Now run away with me or you'll die dirty."

"Please, reverend, my hair."

"It's fine, nice and straggly, but it won't be soon."

"Please I'll do anything else."

"I don't want anything else. Give yourself to me or die."

"Fine..."

Someone's hair got a little messy.

Chapter 3

Colonel Mustard

The house was creaking. The wind was blowing and I could sense that something bad was going to happen. The guests and I sat playing poker in the cold, dank room. Nobody was talking. I was getting bored. All I really wanted to do was go home. I didn't like this place. I could smell murder in the air!

"Any more bids?" said Miss Scarlett.

"Yes, I'll put in 50," said Mrs Peacock.

"Wow! Are you sure? I reckon you're bluffing," said Reverend Green.

"Does anyone bid the same," the Peacock said.

"Me. I do. I call your bid and raise you 100."

"Colonel Mustard! How dare you. The money is mine. I call your bid and I end that stage. What do you have?" screeched the blasted woman.

"4 of a kind; Kings," I said.

"HAH. I've got 4 aces. I win. That's 150 for me! Now I'll take my money and, if you'll excuse me, I'll tell that peasant to make me my tea," screamed the woman.

"I love that woman," the Rev. muttered.

"Who?" I said.

"The most beautiful person in the world, Mrs. Peacock."

"I think something has gone wrong in your head. May I remind of her crooked nose, her straggly black hair, and not to mention her devilish red eyes. Why, I must say that unless you like particularly ugly and bland women, I think you must have gone mad."

"Maybe so, maybe not. Anyhow, I'm going to the toilet," said Reverend Green.

"I'll be off to have a girly chat with Whitey, here," said Miss Scarlett.

"I quite agree, Scarly, "said Mrs. White, "this is getting tedious. We need to talk about that dreadful woman. What's her name?"

"Peacock," I said.

"Oh yes, her. Well off we go," said Scarlett. They left the room.

I could hear sounds coming from the kitchen. I could really hear that woman though. She NEEDED to shut up. Maybe I'll shut her gob for her. She came back in.

"So where's my money?" she demanded.

"Oh, you won't be getting any money tonight Mrs. Peacock. My, you won't get anything but a steel bullet," I said as menacingly as I could.

"Colonel, please, don't be so childish."

"Oh yes, I will old woman. I'm poor enough without having to give money to you. What was that I heard you call the Prof.? Peasant was it? Well I think you've been reduced to a peasant right now." I took my silver gun out of my pocket.

"Ohpleasecolonel. Two people have already tried to kill me today," she whimpered.

"Maybe you should think before you speak, you wretched woman." I shot 6 bullets at her head.

A body fell flat-faced on the floor.

Chapter 4

Mrs. White

The house was creaking. The wind was blowing and I could sense that something bad was going to happen. The guests and I sat playing poker in the cold, dank room. Nobody was talking. I was getting bored. All I really wanted to do was go home. I didn't like this place. I could smell murder in the air!

"Does anyone want a cup of tea?" the Professor asked. No one answered. Personally, I just didn't want one.

"Any more bids?" said Miss Scarlett.

"Yes, I'll put in 50," said Mrs Peacock.

"Wow! Are you sure? I reckon you're bluffing," said Reverend Green.

"Does anyone bid the same?" the Peacock said.

"Me. I do. I call your bid and raise you 100."

"Colonel Mustard! How dare you. The money is mine. I call your bid and I end that stage. What do you have?" screeched the blasted woman.

"4 of a kind; Kings," I said.

"HAH. I've got 4 aces. I win. That's 150 for me! Now I'll take my money and, if you'll excuse me, I'll tell that peasant to make me my tea," screamed the woman.

"I love that woman," the Rev. muttered.

"Who?" I said.

"The most beautiful person in the world, Mrs. Peacock."

"I think something has gone wrong in your head. May I remind of her crooked nose, her straggly black hair, and not to mention her devilish red eyes. Why, I must say that unless you like particularly ugly and bland women, I think you must have gone mad."

"Maybe so, maybe not. Anyhow, I'm going to the toilet," said Reverend Green.

"I'll be off to have a girly chat with Whitey, here," said Miss Scarlett.

"I quite agree, Scarly," I said, "this is getting tedious. We need to talk about that dreadful woman. What's her name?"

"Peacock," the colonel said.

"Oh yes, her. Well off we go." We left the room and went into the garden.

  "What do you think of her then?" I said.

"Dreadful. Do you know that her husband thinks she a saint? I think he's a bit loony," she said.

"I agree. I mean she thinks life is all about money," I said.

"I know, it's like, totally wrong," she said.

"And have you seen the way she looks? It would take about six plastic surgeons to put that right," I said.

"I mean her straggly hair,' she said.

"Her devilish red eyes," I said.

"Her crooked nose," we both laughed.

"I sometimes feel like just putting her out of her misery," she said.

"I wouldn't go that far. I mean she's one of the most annoying people I know, but to kill her," I said.

"She' s having an affair with your husband" she said.

"I'll kill her. That two-timing little scoundrel of a devil," I screamed.

"We have to do something about her."

"Yes we must."

"How about you attack her first and then I do. That means that we'll have double chance of doing the job successfully."

"Yes. I'll go first; you go second. Wait here. If you see me leaning out the window and smiling, it means I've done the job. If I'm shaking my head, it's your turn."

"O.K."

"Wish me luck."

"Good luck." I went back into the house. I walked to the porch and into the cupboard ready to attack my enemy. She walked past me. She was looking in her coat. She took out her mobile phone.

"Hello? Are you there my love? I was just assaulted I know it's terrible and by a priest as well. I don't know what I am going to do with myself. Yes I can't wait to see you as well. Do you know there have been three attempted murders tonight, and all on me? Well Shall I call you formally, or shall I call you chick duck? Formally well, Mr. Peacock how was your day?"

       Did she just say Mr. Peacock? She said it again. I'd had enough of her. This was too far. The time is now. I ran out of the cupboard with an old coat that smelt like rotten bananas. I jumped on her, pushing the smell up her nose.

"My husband? My husband! It's outrageous! You deserve to have a slow and painful death. How about the smell of rotten bananas to finish you off?"

The smell of gone off fruit filled the room as the perpetrator left the porch.

Chapter 5

Miss Scarlett

The house was creaking. The wind was blowing and I could sense that something bad was going to happen. The guests and I sat playing poker in the cold, dank room. Nobody was talking. I was getting bored. All I really wanted to do was go home. I didn't like this place. I could smell murder in the air!

"Does anyone want a cup of tea?" asked Professor Plum. There's no point. I'm going to leave in a minute. Anyway, better get this game rolling, I'm bored out of my mind already

"Any more bids?" I said.

"Yes, I'll put in 50," said Mrs Peacock.

"Wow! Are you sure? I reckon you're bluffing," said Reverend Green.

"Does anyone bid the same?" the Peacock said.

"Me. I do. I call your bid and raise you 100."

"Colonel Mustard! How dare you. The money is mine. I call your bid and I end that stage. What do you have?" screeched the blasted woman.

"4 of a kind; Kings," he said.

"HAH. I've got 4 aces. I win. That's 150 for me! Now I'll take my money and, if you'll excuse me, I'll tell that peasant to make me my tea," screamed the woman.

Then the Reverend started talking about his infatuation with Mrs. Peacock. I don't want to listen to this I told myself. Something - anything to get away from this. I decided I had to do somethingsomething drastic.

"I'll be off to have a girly chat with Whitey, here," I said.

"I quite agree, Scarly," said Mrs. White, "this is getting tedious. We need to talk about that dreadful woman in private. What's her name?"

"Peacock," the colonel said.

"Oh yes, her. Well off we go." We left the room and went into the garden.

  "What do you think of her then?" she said.

"Awful. Do you know that her husband thinks she's a saint? I think he's a bit loony," I said.

"I agree. I mean she thinks life is all about money," she said.

"I know, it's like, totally wrong," I said.

"And have you seen the way she looks? It would take about six plastic surgeons to put that right," she said.

"I mean her straggly hair," I said.

"Her devilish red eyes," she said.

"Her crooked nose," we both laughed.

"I sometimes feel like just putting her out of her misery," I said.

"I wouldn't go that far. I mean she's one of the most annoying people I know, but to kill her," she said.

"She's having an affair with your husband" I said.

"I'll kill her. That two-timing little scoundrel of a devil," she said.

"We have to do something about her."

"Yes we must."

"How about you attack her first and then I do. That means that we'll have double chance of doing the job successfully."

"Yes. I'll go first; you go second. Wait here. If you see me leaning out the window and smiling, it means I've done the job. If I'm shaking my head, it's your turn."

"O.K."

"Wish me luck."

"Good luck." She went into the house. Five minutes passed. Ten minutes passed. How long does it take to kill someone I thought to myself? I saw Mrs. Peacock coming out into the garden.

"Mrs. Peacock!" Unsuccessful I said to myself.

"Miss Scarlett, please help me."

"What is it that you need help with, Peacock?"

"Four people have tried to kill me today. I need protection."

"Well I'm afraid you won't be getting any from me."

"Why not?"

"Because I want to make it five." She started running away from the house into the woods.

"Oh no, pea-brain, you won't get away from me." We ran for three minutes when at last, we reached a dead end; a lake.

"Well look what has happened. A dead end," I said.

"The end of the line."

"For you at least," I said.

"Or maybe for you."

"How are you going to kill me?"

"Easily. I hate you. It's easy when you hate someone," she said.

"Why do you hate me?"

"You think you're all that. You're one of those people who, just because they're pretty, they think they are rulers of the world."

"Just because you're ugly, you think you are a real lady. Just because you think you are a lady, you think you are a beauty. Well let me tell you. You are more like a beast."

Someone went mad. Someone drowned in a lake.

Chapter 6

Mrs. Peacock

The house was creaking. The wind was blowing and I could sense that something bad was going to happen. The guests and I sat playing poker in the cold, dank room. Nobody was talking. I was getting bored. All I really wanted to do was go home. I didn't like this place. I could smell murder in the air!

"Does anyone want a cup of tea?" said Professor Plum.

"Oh, yes I do. Two sugars with a hint of lemon thanks." He was gone. He is such a rude man.

Ah, my hand of poker was brilliant, better go and tell him what I want after this.

"Any more bids?" said Miss Scarlett.

"Yes, I'll put in 50."

"Wow! Are you sure? I reckon you're bluffing," said Reverend Green.

"Does anyone bid the same," I said.

"Me. I do. I call your bid and raise you 100."

"Colonel Mustard! How dare you. The money is mine. I call your bid and I end that stage. What do you have?"

"4 of a kind; Kings."

"HAH. I've got 4 aces. I win. That's 150 for me! Now I'll take my money and, if you'll excuse me, I'll tell that peasant to make me my tea." I went in to the kitchen.

"Plum, my old friend! Where's my cup of tea?

"Mrs. Peacock, the kettle hasn't even boiled yet."

"Well hurry it up. I'm feeling a little dehydrated."

"Make it yourself then."

"Oh you are SO rude. I'm a lady. I don't make tea for peasants like you. Make it now, or I'll scream."

"You know Miss Peacock. I've had enough of your whining. Just shut up."

"No. I will not. It is your job, peasant."

"If you say I'm a peasant one more time I swear lady, I'll kill you!"

"Oh, the peasant is getting all upset. What are you going to kill me with? Some kind of mud and clay knife?"

"NoJust a steel one."

My God. He is going to kill me. He took a knife of his pocket. He came towards me. THWACK. I karate kicked him in the groin. His body fell to the floor. He was crying.

"That will teach to mess with a lady, peasant." I made my tea and drank a sip. I could feel my bladder was ready to burst. I walked along to the toilet where I found the Rev.

"Mrs. Peacock, how are you?" he asked.

"Needing the toilet very much thank you Reverend."

"I see, I just went myself, not very nice in there, not up to a ladies' standard."

"Oh, well that won't do. Take me to a posh toilet, Reverend."

"Yes ma'am." I could sense that he wanted to ask me something; I could see it in his eyes.

"Run away with me." I stared at him, stunned.

"Oh, Reverendno. I'm married."

"Well forget him, we're all that matters. We'll go anywhere anyplace to make it work. It is because I love you." He grabbed my arm.

"Well I don't love you. Now get off me. You are a priest; you are not allowed to run away with a married woman. So please, get off my arm, now."

"No."

"Get off," I screamed, "get off me. Stop manhandling me. You cretin, you peasant, you"

"Either run away with me, or die. I can't bear to see you in the arms of another man." He took the toilet brush out of his pocket.

"Now run away with me or you'll die dirty."

"Please, reverend, my hair."

"It's fine, but it won't be soon."

"Please, I'll do anything else."

"I don't want anything else. Give yourself to me or die."

"Fine...I'll do it."

"Really?"

"Yes. Just lower your weapon, I'm yours now."

"OhMrs. Peacock!" He hugged me. He found a leg suddenly curl around his and an arm pushing him over.

"My love, what are you doing?"

"Just giving a little bit of revenge." I rubbed the brush all over his face and hair and it ended up in his mouth. Funny that. Toilet water tastes quite bad.

After I had fulfilled my quest of going to the loo, I went back into the poker room. Colonel Mustard was the only one in there.

"So where's my money?" I demanded.

"Oh, you won't be getting any money tonight Mrs. Peacock. My, you won't get anything but a steel bullet," he said.

"Colonel, please, don't be so childish." He took a silver gun out of his pocket.

"Oh yes, I will old woman. I'm poor enough without having to give money to you. What was that I heard you call the Prof.? Peasant was it? Well I think you've been reduced to a peasant right now."

"Ohpleasecolonel. Two people have already tried to kill me today," I whimpered.

"Maybe you should think before you speak, you wretched woman." He shot. He shot again. I swerved. He shot again.

"WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" he shouted. He shot again. Missed. Shot again. Missed. Shot again nothing came out.

"Blast!"

"What"

"I'm out." I ran at him. I was bounding, lowering myself to a position I had practiced all my life. I was about to tackle him!

"YAHHHHHHH." I was going mad. I hit him. He fell, unconscious.

"That will teach you to try and mess with a lady who plays rugby colonel, and a little lesson: never, ever mess with me."

I walked to the porch to get my coat. I was leaving. Three people had already tried to kill me. I walked in and got it. I felt in the pocket. My phone. I better call one of my significant others. It was ringing. He answered.

"Hello? Are you there my love?" I said, "I was just assaulted I know it's terrible and by a priest as well. I don't know what I am going to do with myself. Yes I can't wait to see you as well. Do you know there have been three attempted murders tonight, and all on me? Well Shall I call you formally, or shall I call you chick duck? Formally well, Mr. Peacock; how was your day?"

Suddenly, Mrs. White jumped out of the cupboard carrying an awful smelling jacket. She jumped on me, pushing the smell up my nose.

"My husband? My husband! It's outrageous! You deserve to have a slow and painful death. How about the smell of rotten bananas to finish you off," she said.

"Look, you're not giving your husband enough attention. He came to me for affection. It doesn't matter," I said.

"IT DOES MATTER. YOU ARE A MARRIED WOMAN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH MY HUSBAND," she shouted.

"What matters is that you are going to soon be unconscious with this putrid smell up your nose."

"Oh yeah?"

"A lady would say yes. Now, are you ready?"

"For what?"

"A counter-attack." I flipped around, taking the jacket with me and rammed it up her nose.

"How do you like it? It's not nice is it?"

"No."

"Now I'm going to tie you to a chair and leave you in the cupboard, so you are left to think about what you have done. I expect an apology."

"O.K.," she muffled. I left the room. I went into the garden to relax myself and to get away from these horrid people. I saw Miss Scarlett.

"Mrs. Peacock!" she said.

"Miss Scarlett please help me," I said.

"What is it that you need help with, Peacock?"

"Four people have tried to kill me today. I need protection."

"Well I'm afraid you won't be getting any from me."

"Why not?"

"Because I want to make it five." I started running away from the house into the woods.

"Oh no, Pea brain, you won't get away from me." We ran for three minutes when at last, we reached a dead end. A lake.

"Well look what has happened. A dead end," she said.

"The end of the line."

"For you at least."

"Or maybe for you."

"How are you going to kill me?"

"Easily. I hate you. It's easy when you hate someone."

"Why do you hate me?"

"You think you're all that. You're one of those people who, just because they're pretty, they think they are rulers of the world."

"Just because you're ugly, you think you are a real lady. Just because you think you are a lady, you think you are a beauty. Well let me tell you. You are more like a beast." That was too much. She had to go. I picked up a stick. So did she.

"A duel. Let us see who wins," I said.

"Shame you can't move as quick as me because you're so fat." I lunged at her. She parried. Quick turn and double helix slash at her abdomen. She defended. Fast jump, double twist, head slash and curl. She ducked.

"You are good," I said.

"You are shocking!" she said. She triple twisted, bluff and advanced headlock.

"You're not so tough now are you?" I said.

"No. But I'll still kill you, fatty."

"I don't think so."

"I do."

"Yet, I have power over you."

"You are the weakest person I know."

"You do realise that i have your neck in my grasp?"

"Yeah. So what?"

"Well... I could just do this." A horrible, resonating crack filled the forest.

The dead body of Miss Scarlett fell to the floor while I swam away across the lake to my freedom.

Chapter 7

The Prediction

A deadly silence filled the room.

"Soshe's dead?" said Colonel Mustard.

"Stone cold," said Professor Plum. A knock on the door.

"Police!" said Mrs. White.

"Hello, hello, hello," said the policeman.

"Oh no," said Colonel Mustard.

"What?" said Mrs. White.

"I think I did it," Said Colonel Mustard.

"Me too."

"What? You think I did it."

"No, that someone did."

"Did what?"

"Did the deed."

"What deed?"

"The worst deed."

"You're saying that the person who did the deed is one of the people in this room of whom, one did the deed?"

"Are we talking about the same thing?"

"The smell?"

"No! The Murder you idiot"

"Hello, hello, hello," said the policeman.

"Yes, yes, yes, you've already introduced yourself. Now please, let us get back to our discussion."

"What?"

"About the Murder?"

"We don't care about the Murder, I want to know who did the deed."

"Which deed?"

"Oh, just shut up you two."

"What do you want officer?" said Prof. Plum.

"I heard screams and various other noises coming from this house as I was walking past. I knew that there was an incident."

"There has been a murder," said Colonel Mustard.

"I gathered," said the policeman.

"Miss Scarlett has been killed!"

"Dead."

"Scuppered."

"Sunk."

"Thrown in Davy Jones' locker."

"Yes, o.k. I don't need all the adjectives."

"I still don't know who did the deed," said Mrs. White.

"I think it was Mrs. Peacock, in the garden, using her hands and a stick," said Reverend Green.

"Look, this isn't a game," said the Policeman.

"I meant the smell"

"O.k. Who thinks that Mrs. Peacock did it? Raise your hands." Three hands were raised.

"Not you, Reverend?"

"Not me."

"Why? She's vile and ugly."

"I hate her."

"I wish I had done it myself."

"I tried to," said Colonel Mustard.

"And me," said Mrs. White and Professor Plum.

"So that's one murder and three attempted murders you'll have to go to court," said the Policeman.

"I have a confession," said Rev. Green, "I tried too."

"Well that's four attempted murders. You'll all have to go to court." The front door burst open. A soaking figure stood in the doorway. Dripping, it walked through the hall and into the living room.

"Mrs. Peacock!"

"How did you survive the cold, deep lake?"

"Easily, I swam."

"Oh"

"Mrs. Peacock, you are under arrest for murder."

"Wait. I only came to get my coat."

"You can get your coat once you thought about what you've done. Go up to that bedroom, now!"

"No!" She ran outside.

"Stop! Put your hands up!"

"Oh, go run up an earwig's armpit."

"Don't make us shoot." She saw the gun. She ran. She fell.

"You are under arrest for violent assault and murder. Step into the vehicle."

"I'll get you for this. I swear, if it's the last thing I do."

"Yeah, o.k, Peaky, you think about that when you're in jail," said Mrs. White. The van drove off.

"Well it was lovely to see you all. We really must do it again. Goodbye," said Mrs. White.

"I'm glad the Policeman didn't arrest us for attempted murder. Anyway I'll be off too, see you later," said Professor Plum.

"Okay. Before I go, let me tell you a little secret, Greeny," said Colonel Mustard.

"What?"

"It was I."

"You did the deed?"

"I did the deed."