My Evermore Heal-all

-19th of October, 2000

I will die tomorrow. Tomorrow or the day after. So what? What is the use? Am I going to live, live and enjoy? No, it is years that I have packed my things. Yesterday I thought about my journey. Is it really a journey? This is the first time that I am going to travel without knowing where, without knowing how, what a confusing trip, what a blabber death.

My name is Canmer. I am seventeen years old. I've lived enough to see the dirt on earth, to breathe the filthy air. I am a pack of dirt myself, a catastrophe, Yea, newly seen metamorphosis (do not think that I have changed to a cockroach or some thing).

I have a story, like the whole crowd in this world, like all the puppets in this earth, like those who came to live, who came to die, who----------

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-20th of October, 2000

It all started like this, very simple, meaningless:

I was riding a bicycle, my favorite hobby. It was very easy, I collapsed on the ground. Nothing happened at all. But my mom, she persuaded that we should go and check-up my whole body. CT scan, some simple tests, I couldn't believe that these simple tests would sign my will, before death. Ahhhhh, ahhh, it was cancer, simply a cancer, the lung one. Lung or blood, breast or mouth, what differs? To make a short story long I am going to die. It is very laughable to know that they name our diseases differently just to fill our heart with hope.

"Is it lung, ohh, so there is hope, our neighbor had the blood one, but he died in two months. This one is lung, he'll be cured so soon" my mother insisted on not believing my death. Once I said to my mother that I was already dead. She cried first, then hugged me and kissed me and repeated this action till I became dog tired.

It is two years that I know I am going to die, I wish I'd had the blood one, what a time consuming process. I think my time is being spared for nothing. I am ready; I was ready from the past, but no sign, no alteration, no death.

Once I decide to leave home, I was bothering my mom, and that was unfair. I thought that if I stay home, my mom will die sooner than me. So I went, went forever. It was hard, but I did it. Southward I went, found some good friends and stayed in a shack with them. They didn't know about my death, so we enjoyed life together.

-22nd of October, 2000

One night when we ate our heavy dinner they started talking about death, I was agitated, cuz I didn't want to be revealed, but I listened, carefully. They said that it is very fearful to know when some one dies. But it was not, I know and I do not feel any thing just delay, why is delay too doleful. Maybe this feeling is because of the value of time in this rush life, this new world of disastrous technology that cause everyone to fight for a second. Maybe this feeling is contagious and I am bothered cuz of this "Time is Gold" motto. One of my friends said that he is very courage and can endure death easily. I am proud of this friend, but it was better he hided his teeth chattering while saying the word "Death". You couldn't believe that they were a little suspicious about my silence. They asked me questions, there was no way, I revealed everything. They pitied me, pitied till dawn and I was napping in my sitting position. They slept and I left there, cuz I didn't want any pity face, I hadn't any problem with my death, so wanted others like this too. I went on the road, on foot; suddenly I saw a car, coming toward me. I hailed; she stopped, and picked me up. She cursed me awhile why I was on the road; it was near to hit me. I said nothing. She shut her mouth up.

After a while she asked: "where?"

"To no where" I uttered.

I wanted to ----- to---

-23rd of October, 2000

She was shocked, thought that I was insane or something. So hit the brake, then said adieu, I talked awhile to her; she was convinced that I was not lunatic. I told her what I wanted was a cozy place to rest and die. Actually I didn't say "die", but I thought it, so what?

We went to her house, she was very kind as a fact, but introvert one, means you should spade a burden off her heart, then you could see her real face, I wanted to kiss her, I don't know why, maybe lust, but it was very keen, you couldn't believe.

-25th of October, 2000

The time came that she told me the reality. She was alone, and this solitude was a little strange, though she was very strong and manlike that some times I wanted to call her "him". She told me that she had a husband (I became a little depressed, felt that she is my wife, became jealous of her first husband) kinder than herself. He had cancer, and died because of it so soon. I was going to believe in reincarnation. I thought that maybe I was her husband, died of cancer, now I was there again, living and dying cause of cancer. I wanted to propose her for marriage but that was foolish. She told me how she loved him. I wished I was her husband, I was going to die of cancer like her husband, wasn't it good that we replaced our position, just for an hour. I wanted to feel the bedtime hour before my death. Those who feel it every night are going to live hundreds of years, but now, me, not even tasted it, going to kick the bucket like this(this is my thought that no limitation restricts it, it is like a bird that always flies till a bird of prey woos with it).

-27th of October, 2000

She was very kind; I never saw the table without the varieties of food. We ate, talked and enjoyed life. She too became very extrovert, laughed like a horse. One day when she was working in the kitchen I went there and embraced her tightly, it was tight in a way that I felt her bones. She turned surprised, slapped me on my face and told me to leave there immediately. I persuaded her to listen to me, she at last accepted and sat at the table and listened, but inattentively at first. I told her that I had cancer; I told that I wanted to feel her body not because of nothing, just for nothing. She wept, wept for me, embraced me tight. She told me she would let me kiss her just because of her husband and our parallelism. I kissed her, it was sweet, it was last, it was the end.

She wanted me to talk of myself, talk and talk. I was very tired but the sweetness of the kiss made my mouth bitter and I wanted to make it sweet again.

It is a year that I have forgotten every thing about my family; I am with my lady (I used to call that woman "my lady" in my mind) and am with her happily. She is happy to, once told me that I was like her husband, and liked me like her husband, now I don't feel any jealousy.

-30th of October, 2000

I am not feeling very well; I didn't feel good these days. I think it is near, I don't know what but I can feel the pressure and burden on my chest, exactly here.

I had forgotten completely. I don't have any news from my family; I have lost them like ring in the sea.

My family------- tried to --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tried to find me, but in vain. I even saw ---------------------saw my photo in the newspaper. They told me I was lost. I wasn't lost. I am not lost, now I am -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- now I am sitting at the back of a table, writing my diary. My ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------my diary has become my closest friend and -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and I think it will be like this---------------------------------------------------------------------------like---------------------like this till --------------------------------------------till Deat------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------------- ------------------------