i'm being too pessimistic again....i knew i had gone too far when i saw that disgusted look on his face. If only i had gotten some sleep things wouldn't be so fuzzy and i could have realized that i was saying too much.

"Why are you always looking at the negative in every situation?" he asked me again. If only i had gotten some sleep....things wouldn't have been so fuzzy and i could have remembered to pretend to be the person i am expected to be...i was just to exhausted to remember to pretend. How many nights has it been now? i was counting...but...

i'm sure he could be more patience with me had i made an effort to comb my hair before i sat down at the table. It's easier to be more patient when i'm not quite so ugly. How many days have i worn these pajamas? let't see...count the stains...must have been a few. A little make-up might have helped. i remember a time when that was the first thing i did in the morning. Now, it just seems to make me look like a sad clown. I seem to acquire a new wrinkle with every sleepless night...lets see...i could count the wrinkles to find out how long it has been...i would if it wasn't so much trouble.

"Why not try to get some sleep today?" he ask "After all, what else do you feel like doing?" "No, no!" i screamed to myself "i don't want to lose another day....not another one."

i want to beg to him...please don't give up on me...i know i can do better...if i just get some sleep. i know the house needs cleaning and i wnat it clean for you but i'm just so tired that it overwhelms me. i want to be optimistic and cheerful and loving for you...i want that more than anything and i think if i could just get some sleep...

Please don't give up on me....stay with me for awhile longer...i know that i drain you...i know that it takes all you have within you to cope...but i won't be here that much longer...i know that someday soon...i will just curl up in a ball and finally go to sleep and never wake up....and then you will be free.