down spouts & lawyers

Lou Flint ask his longtime next door neighbor, Max Barkwell, to cut down a large, and fairly rare, tree. A tree growing on Barkwell's private property. Barkwell, says:

"I like that tree. It provides lots of shade for our deck. And we spend some time out here. Why do you want it removed?"

"I'd like to have a maintenance free house."

"Wouldn't we all."

"Your tree sheds it's leaves and they collect in my gutters and clog them up."

"Tree's are known to do that sort of thing"

"The worst part is on two different occasions I nearly fell off the ladder while trying to clean out the spouting."

"What the hell are you doing up on a ladder at your age? Why not give some kid a job? You have the first nickel you ever made. How much could it cost, $30 a month, Maybe?"

"You do not understand. I want a Maintenance Free House. Your tree is keeping me from getting something that I want."

"Well, let me clue you in, pal. There is no such thing as a maintenance free house. The relevant idea here is - MY TREE. I am sorry your fantasy about a self sustaining home is now shattered but there are many ways to solve your problem for just a few bucks."

"Why should I have to pay to get your leaves out of my gutters?"

"There is our disconnect. Once leaves land in the gutter they cease being my property and begin being your property - ownership by right of possession. See how that works? Your property, your gutter, your leaves. It's actually a simple concept."

"It would be easier to get rid of the damn tree."

"Easier for who? Now Lou, don't you go simple on me. Your explanation for wanting to cut down the family shade tree is ludicrous. The only reason I am still standing here is I'm waiting for you to ask the obvious question."

"Which one would that be?"

"The one where you ask how much compensation would I accept to take down my tree?"

"You actually want me to pay you? Were you listening to me? The leaves from that tree clog up my gutters and you have the nerve to ask for money? I want you to know this, the tree will be cut down."

"Lou, you doin OK? Any new medications or changes in diet? Now settle down. See if I understand, you want me to cut down my tree because it is a minor personal inconvenience to you?

"I will pay for removal and clean up."

"I have always said, you really are a hell of a guy. Can we talk about replacement."

"Replace what?"

"Well, the way I see it, two things need replacing. My tree and your leaves."

"I just wanted to let you know, up front, that I am cutting down Your tree."

"Please don't"

"It's decided"

"Do not touch my tree."

"They is no other way, I'm sorry, Max"

"You certainly will be."

Some time passes......

Then one day when no one was home next door Lou springs into action. He quickly calls the tree service he had alerted to be ready, at a moments notice, for a quick removal job. Lou told them he that although the tree looks to be growing in someone else's yard that is actually an illusion. So he orders them onto Barkwell's property. The service was very competent and in no time a tree that had, minutes before, towered well above the rooftops was now a stump.

When Barkwell pulls into the driveway his first thought is that he is dreaming, and will wake up in a minute. He shakes his head, a couple of exaggerated eye blinks. Yea, he thinks, it's gone. His primary emotion is bewilderment but also a dash of anger and, surprisingly, more than a little pity. He chuckles to himself at the timing of the Tree Ambush - Flint making sure no one was home. What was Lou thinking, that we wouldn't miss it? No, just a coward, afraid he'd be slapped around if I actually saw what he was trying to do.

Max is curious about one thing. Wondering not only how many civil ordinances have been violated but also how many actual criminal laws have been broken? Replacement cost alone on a mature, 80' tree would run $20,000 minimum. If you could find one, which was unlikely. My wife, Cherry, is going to be very upset. She sits in the shade every morning. Now I have to deal with her. Flint, you unspeakable moron. He enters his office to make some telephone calls.

(ring,ring)

"Law Offices of Jake Twigstein"

"Hi Jake, Max Barkwell here"

"Hey Max, how are you doing?"

"Jake you remember that hot morning we had Bloody Mary's on my deck? After 3 or 4 we were sweating like pigs and you commented how nice it was to be sitting in the shade."

"Oh man, that was some day. All I remember is waking up hours later behind your furnace."

"I was looking all over for you. You just don't figure a man will be balled up in back of the furnace when it's 100 degrees outside. Anyway, that shade tree is gone. Our next-door neighbor cut it down.

"Why?"

"Actually, for no reason at all."

"You wanted him to do it?"

No, I ask him not to do it."

"Wait a second, let's back up. What the hell are you taking about?"

"My neighbor, Flint, is a good guy. Have known him for years and never had a cross word. A few months back he ask me if he could cut down my tree. His reason's were silly and he offered no payment. So I said no. He said he was going to do it anyway. I ask him, and then told him, not to touch my tree. I had forgotten about it. Then today when I got home, the tree was gone."

"How do you know Flint was involved?"

"Another neighbor remembered the name on the tree service truck. I called them and they verified that Flint hired them to remove the tree. I didn't say anything else and called you"

"Have you talked to Flint?"

"No"

"Have you contacted the police?"

"No"

"What did Cherry say?"

"She about spit a pit in anger at first. Now she is very sad and in tears. It's like she has been emotionally raped."

"Oh, jeez, I'm so sorry, give her my best. What do you want to do?"

"The first thing I want to know is how serious an offense is something like this?"

"Before we continue in detail give me a day to find out exactly. But trees are expensive. Their cost surprises most people. The severity of Vandalism penalties is based on monetary value. What almost no one realizes is that the replacement cost of a big tree is more than anything else in most households. Unless they drive a late model luxury car or have precious gems in the house, the damn tree in the yard is your most valuable asset.

"Wow!"

Some time passes......

Max walks outside and see's Lou puttering around in his back yard. With a wave of a hand says:

"Hello Louis, how are ya?"

"Never better, Max."

"How are those down spouts doin?"

"Perfect, maintenance free."

"Yea, I bet. Good for you. Man, kinda barren looking over here."

"Not at all. It opens up the sightlines. A big improvement."

"Maybe so. Hey Lou, let's go grab a chair on the deck and have little chat."

"Well, we are about ready to go have brunch."

"This won't take long. We'll have to sit in the sun but it's not too bad today. It will certainly get alot hotter than this."

"Juice?"

"No, I'm fine."

"I got a buddy you might remember. That day I came over asking about a missing person named Jake? He had disappeared. Later we heard groans coming from the basement and found him behind the furnace. With that behavior it won't surprise you to learn that he is a criminal lawyer by profession. He is not really all that endearing a guy to be around but he can pick the pro game point spreads as well as anyone. And he picks up most all of the bar tabs. It is very rare to find both of these traits in the same man. So he is always welcome. Espy on Sunday morning before the NFL games start.

"That aside, what he does very well is extract out-of-court monetary settlements for plaintiffs. He mostly works extreme cases. When the defendant is clearly guilty, and would lose tons more money in front of a judge, Jake gets the call. It's uncanny how he seems to make everyone see that it's in their very best interests to stay out of court. It's no mystery why he is so successful.

He has a research assistant, young gal named Cypress Oldgrowth, who is really amazing. You give her any topic, say something like;

State of Ohio laws and penalties pertaining to the Destruction of Private Property

and before tomorrow morning's coffee break you have everything there is to know on the subject sitting on your desk. It really is fantastic."

"Can we move out of the sun?"

"Like I said, it's definitely going to warm up. For some more than others, I suppose. But we're OK right here. Our whole family needs to adjust to the lack of shade. It will take awhile."

"Max, we have guests to meet, what's the point?"

"I am coming to it, right now. If I was to go out and purchase the same species of tree, same age, same size take a guess as to what such a tree would cost?

"Who knows, say $2,000"

"Ho Ho. Jake was right, no one has a clue how much tress are worth. That tree, because of it's size & scarcity, would be at least $40,000 to replace. Back to Ms Oldgrowth, she has provided Jake and I with a great deal of useful information regarding the destruction of one's property, specifically trees, value appraisals, case histories, historical remedies, statues governing such acts and so on. I know you need to run. Think about these few minutes we shared together and how our near-term futures are now interwoven.

"Come again?"

"I will make clear. You are going to make this right or You are going to jail.

Any part of that you don't understand?"

"Well...wait a min...this is crazy"

"Now there is something we can agree upon. In fact, pleading Temporary Insanity might actually be your best defense. It will give you a chance, anyway. Between us girls, you need to rethink the Maintenance Free Home Defense. You will have the Bailiff smirking at that one and it's never a good sign when the judge cackles in laughter moments after hearing your lawyer's opening remarks.

"You are considering legal action?"

"Nothing gets by you does it Lou? Back to Temporary Insanity. As contrived and far fetched as it seems it may give you a small opportunity to hear something besides Guilty On All Counts when the verdict is read. Of course you will need to go away for six months or so and listen to Sounds of Nature CDs between therapy sessions but that might be better than what the D.A. will recommend.

"This is incredulous. I will speak to my lawyer."

Either that or get enrolled in the Six Weeks to a Law Degree on-line correspondence school right after dessert. See, here's the thing. It's not alot fun down at the courthouse everyday. It's the same silly crimes, the same petty crooks, the same greasy attorneys. Morsels like this case just don't come around much and, believe me, the boys in the back room are going to have some fun with it. What you did was So Wrong and the monetary damage you inflicted was So Great that if you really are stupid enough to stand in their Arena, pleading your absurd case.....well, that's a shot they don't see in the cross-hairs very often.

No mercy. There will be whooping and stomping. These G Men lawyers are animals. Bitter at bombing out in private practice, they often use the substantial power granted to their job description in spiteful vengeance. They routinely ruin life of men better than you for no good reason at all. Their deranged buddies will all be on hand for your show. A ferocious mix of disbarred attorney's, amphetamine dealers, gun runners, a porn film producer and the City of Kettering Chief of Police. All up in the mezzanine drinking whiskey and snickering as every motion from your side is denied.

After Cherry gets done testifying that sensitive skin means she can no longer sit on her deck and read the Bible each day, there won't be a dry eye in the house."

"Cherry never reads the Bible out here."

"Well, we can't say she sneaks out Playgirl underneath her Redbook - like we both know she does - it would not fit properly in this script. You are right, a detail needing attention. Bible's are on sale at Wal Mart this weekend for $6.95. Nice leather-bound ones. King James I think."

"We will claim she is lying!"

"That would be a bit like O.J. opening a shelter for battered women, now wouldn't it?"

By now, half the jury will be staring at you. The other half will be directing questions to the Bench about the maximum allowable sentence. Your own lawyer will move to the end of the table. You will be lucky to avoid a lynching. OK, enough of my babble. Once found guilty, Ms Oldgrowth's research uncovered the likely sentence you will draw. Keep in mind she is assuming the District Attorney's office is staffed with reasonable people and not monsters. You are looking at:

Guilty of at least one (1) Class A Misdemeanor, jail reduced to time served, $2,500 fine, full tree replacement value as restitution, 2 years supervised probation, 500 hrs. community service and mandatory self-control counseling

"You need to do some thinking and your late for the meal. How's your appetite?"

Flint is wobbly as he gets to his feet and lurches toward home, trying to grasp what he has just heard. All he really wants these days is a maintenance free house. He felt sure Max would understand just how important this was to him. Shade for Barkwell's family vs. me standing on a dangerous ladder, 6 feet in the air, for almost half an hour? It's not even worth discussing. Why is Max so upset? Those are my gutters and they must be free of any maintenance, forever.

He is standing in Barkwell's yard, looking at a huge empty space, once filled with green life. He see's the nothing he created or, rather, the something he destroyed. Slowly the 15' of aluminum gutter, that justified today's naked stump, comes into focus. He becomes frightened. Very frightened. The gutter is now all he can see. It's flashing like neon as dim outlines of hideous creatures peek over the gutter's top. He can hear faint percussion coming from somewhere. He begins to tremble........ARGRRRR...he yells as the touch of Max's hand on his arm snaps him out of the waking nightmare he was just living.

"Louie, Louie, you OK? Lou? Here, Here sit down. Breathe. Some cool sips of water."

"Max....did you see them? On my roof?

"Let's get you inside to lay down a minute. Everything is fine."

Some time passes......

Max spots Lou the moment Lou see's Max. In unison they say:

"Lou Max Got Have a a minute second?"

"Sure Of Course"

(They come together and shake hands)

"Lou Max I'll you go first start"

"Let's take a walk. First of all, I appreciated our talk the other day. It made me stop and realize that I overreacted in having your tree cut down. I had neither a valid reason nor a right to do such a thing. I am truly sorry. Obviously, the tree can not be replaced just as obviously something needs to be done to square the books between us."

"You know, I was thinking. There is nothing worse than having a feud with a neighbor. It's almost as bad as a feud with a family member. It's bad for us, bad for the kids, bad for the whole neighborhood."

"Agreed"

"Now, I could drag you into court and pop a neat little flogging on your ass. Twigstein smells blood and is licking his chops to get a crack at this case. He was phoning four times a day so I blocked all his numbers and left a message that said 'don't call us, we'll call you' One conversation he suggested forcing Cherry to stay awake for 72 straight hours right before giving her testimony. The morning of court have her peel 17 large, red onions. As the tears were flowing down her cheeks, get her in the car and down to the Hall at top speed."

"Your kidding!?!"

"Twisted SOB. I told him if he didn't give me three teams that cover in this Sunday's football games I was going to find myself another lawyer. He sent Cherry a singing telegram with flowers and candy. The card confused her. It said 'you'll have the three winners by noon Saturday' She ask what it meant and I said just try not to be alone in the same room with Jake for more than 45 seconds at a stretch. I got a puzzled look - but she enjoyed the chocolate."

"So what are we going to do?"

"Well, this is America. Like good American's we will solve this problem the old fashioned way - with cash. The last thing Jake said on the phone, before he started drooling and I hung up on him, was that a legal settlement would start at $50,000. The worst part is all the bullshit you will have to endure. Stuff like counseling, parole officers and community service. You would rather chew nails than spend three hours some Saturday teaching a pack of juvenal delinquents to play badminton. When that torture is finally over you find your car striped and sitting on blocks in the parking lot with 'Yo Homs Bak aYa with a Freah Buggy, Essay' spray painted on your door. See what I'm getting at?"

"What's that mean?"

"Hope you never need to know. I don't want 50 grand of your money. That wouldn't solve the problem. You would still resent me for exploiting your mistake. But it has to be enough to compensate me for having to listen to Cherry bitch every single morning about her tree being gone."

"How about five?"

"How about fifteen?

"How about ten?"

"Ten thousand dollars. Done. You got a deal, neighbor. I'm going to hand it over to Cherry and encourage her to leave town for a couple weeks. Give the kids and I a vacation. You save us any firewood?"

"Oh yea, I got it stored close by."

"Why you dirty, sneaky, little rat. I get half the wood but you have to stack it."

"Now let's talk about that.....

The conversation drifted on as the old friends walk through a cool evening mist across the public golf course. Lou paid Max. Max gave the money to Cherry but she only left town for a long weekend. Upon hearing of the settlement Jake Twigstein took a knee and began to weep softly. Soon he was openly sobbing. It took a local judge calling on the cell phone to shut him up.

The tree was never mentioned again. By anyone.