'Creep By'

She's scratches her head a couple of times, lowers her hand down to bite her nails a few times. Round the edges of the forefinger she bites the dead skin. When it doesn't want to come off, because her teeth simply can't reach it, she rubs the sharp dead skin against her knuckle. She rubs unconsciously, pressing t harder and harder every time. Unconsciously and rapidly she repeats the action until the sharp end of the dead skin splits the tightly woven skin on the knuckle and a red liquid drop forms instantly. She picks up her hand and sucks off the blood. She uses the sharp end of the dead skin to rub it against her lips. She repeats the rubbing until she feels a sharp pain as if someone's cutting her upper lip with a cold metal razor blade. She doesn't stop until she feels that her lip has been successfully reddened and scared. Her amber brown eyes shift lazily from her reddened knuckle to the window in front of her. Cars pass by quickly and surely one by one. The things surrounding her in the room fade away and nothing is moving except the cars outside the window. They go by so fast in her eyes that she can only see the stretched white lights at the front and the stretched red lights at the back. Everything melts. 'Why are they passing why, are they moving, where are all these people going? Do they really know?'. She jumps of the chair moving her legs with incredible speed as if she is late for a school class, with her lip hurting and crimson blood rushing from her wrists to her fingertips. She rushes cross the room into the kitchen slamming the doors accidentally behind her. She's feeling physically sick, like she's just swallowed a rabbit with all of its hair and skin in tack - she wants to throw up. She stretches her hand and twists it to make the tap run glass falls and smashes into thousand of eyes on the shiny floor. A red liquid drop slowly drops from the tip of her finger onto a small piece of broken glass as her knees let her down and she slowly slumps down on the floor like a piece of clothing unhooked from the drying rack. Her eye lids let her down as they drop onto her eyes. Her strong insides let her down as her stomach contracts into a knot and her whole body releases a cry. All the muscles in the body are clenching as if they want to get out of this skin, get out of this body, release themselves form the spinal cord and cut all the connections to the brain and the mind the source of this pain. She painfully clenches her knees and rolls herself into a ball on the icy bloody floor. She can feel a stronger beat against her chest and hotness around her eyes as her strength lets her down and the salty tear rolls out of her eye to scald her facial skin. The feeling of uselessness and hopelessness is so great and incontrollable that she can not do anything but shake and wine struggling with her breathing. Her mind need not worry of discovery as no one shall be home for hours, so she can spend the next few hours on the cold floor shaking and slowly butchering her mind.

Hopeless

No point not a single point matters

Everything done falls to scatters

Just when you think you've reached top of the ladder

You get knocked over by a tiny matter

You fall from the top of the ladder

You fall a hundred times harder

Such a tiny little matter

Yet you fall harder and harder

'Hopeless, no point, not a single point, Everything done falls to scatters everything scatters around. Just when you think you've reached the top of the ladder you get knocked over by a tiny matter its just that the fall is a hundreds of times harder and sharper than the climb upwards. The hole you fall into is so much deeper than the hole you tried to climb out of. The hole doesn't exist in reality it is a black hole in your mind which knocks on your grand metal gates from time to time and if a tiny silly matter took place the door will respond to the knocking by opening and letting everything be sucked into the black hole. All the good things you've got, all the good things you've reached, all the ones that you love and all the ones that love you, all the good movies you've watched, all the amazing things you've seen, simply smelling the polluted air of the city. It all goes into the hole. If you are strong you'll manage to climb out the hole, most people do it monthly, weekly even - until they fall in again. They fight, they struggle until the mortician comes to greet them with a smile. If you are weaker like she you will fall only so many times until you actually give in. You will stop falling and climbing and believe its too much of a cost for what is it worth.

This time she manages to get out of the mind blinding hole like the previous times, but the day has been wasted, the hours on the clock have passed and she has not done a single worth living thing since the morning. Calming herself proves a struggle, but she manages to convince herself that she simply needed to let out some steam. Watching the soap it is then.

And that's how the days creep by - one by one, slowly and surely. When you don't see the future and see life as bumpy road to hell falling and getting back up again gets tiring after a while. For some it happens and they go into a brake down, for her it happened and she went into a classroom. She put her Reebok bag on the desk near the window while unzipping it slowly. The office like lamps on the ceiling look like they'll be a great use - very strong and well fitted looking. 'It was meant to be' enters her mind. She drags her tired limbs to the centre of the classroom and pulls a nearby table closer. The wooden, graffiti covered chair goes on top of the table.

'Round the slender beautiful neck still so young, lacking kisses or bite marks from anyone who cared and loved. Tighter and tighter she wraps it around herself like a snake who's ready to choke for a reason that's natures way and yet this is not. It is her way. As she stands tip toed on the chair she looks at her unzipped bag and still thinks with her obsessed mind how she should have closed it and it feels sooo good, so wonderfully sweet not to care. To realise in the deepest corners of her mind that it

no longer matters and never will again. Nothing will ever matter. Her eyes shift from the bag to the window. 'Such a strikingly beautiful day'. The crows fly by in circles as the sun shimmers off their oily black wings. Such a wonderful feeling to know that it no longer matters whether they fly, whether the cars are passing by beneath them, whether the teachers are giving her an A or a C, whether the homework is done, whether her jeans look too tight on her, whether people don't like her, whether they are disappointed in her, whether anybody even gives a damn. It no longer matters that she's been walking like a shadow through the halls for the past years drifting in and out of classrooms, toilets, staircases, canteens. The only thing that matters now is whether heaven or hell exists but she decides not to clutter her mind with such concerns and instead smiles while slowly picking her right leg up. She wobbles the chair with her left leg until she can feel it sliding off. As it does her glowering eyes franticly move away from the chair and onto the window right at that second the grey cloud drifts by the sun without covering it. The suns rays sharply hit the window and her eyes out of which a precious, last silver drop rolls. The sunshine is fading away, but she tries to hold on to the glimmering light. She wants to see sun shinning again, she wants to see it again and again, it doesn't matter what's going on around she just wants to stare at the sun. She fights to wriggle her neck out of the rope because she wants to see the sun shinning again. The struggle is desperate yet hopeless. As the snake like objects slowly chokes her dove like neck a dark and angry grey cloud slowly covers the sun and glass rain drops begin to smash onto to the concrete streets of London.

Katie Yellow died on Tuesday the 18th of November at 14:35pm in her old Art classroom. She was found hanging on a rope by the school care keeper and was assumed by the police to have taken her own life.

A small note written on tissue paper was found underneath the table. It read:

Oh yeah - I am going

Going somewhere real far

Going to be a great person someday

Am going to be a star!

Flying far far

Where no one knows where you are

Going to show them someday

Am going to be a super star!

Katie

xxx