A new short story, called "Irreverance."

Warning: If you are serious about organized

religion, priests, angels, altar boys,

homosexuals, Islam, jihad, god or lucifer, you

probably will be offended by this and

shouldn't read it. Everyone else? Read on. :)

This was written as an amusement, not a

statement.

* * * * * *

Irreverence

"Any infernal spirit now must leave! In the

precious name of Jesus' blood I command you to

leave this family alone! I ask that wherever

this Holy Water touches no evil entity can

survive! I expose you O demon, and your hiding

place now! I command the Holy Angels now to

fill this place with heavenly light!" the

priest exclaimed, sloshing Holy Water all over

the basement cubby hole as the frightened

parents clutched each other and the psychic

intoned behind the priest. The "Haunted

Premises" host made sure to stay in front of

the camera making terrified faces and gasping.

Above, from the third sphere Asmodeus

stretched his wings and scratched his behind,

then rose slowly from the cloud he reclined

on. He was pretty scruffy for an angel, having

had his five o'clock shadow for at least a

millennium. He looked over at Azezal, who was

lying on his back with his crown pulled down

over his eyes. He was pretty scruffy, too.

They were bare-chested and girded in gold, as

well as dead out sexy as were all reputable

angels.

"Come on, Az. We're being summoned again. Duty

calls." Asmodeus said, picking up his scepter.

"Jesus Christ," Az muttered, pushing up the

crown and frowning at Asmodeus. "Why do we

even bother? At least tell me this, this

priest hasn't cornholed any altar boys has he?

I refuse to sully my wings on him if he has."

"No he hasn't. His tendencies lean only toward

consenting adult males," Asmodeus replied. "No

children."

"Oh. All right, then," Az said, standing up,

shaking out his wings and doing a couple of

side bends to work the kinks out. He grabbed

his scepter as well.

Both angels leapt off the cloud and zoomed

toward earth and the "possessed" house.

"Asmodeus, there's no demon in that place," Az

said grumpily. "I'm getting tired of coming

down here using up my Heavenly Light supply

just so the church gets a huge donation. And

I'm really tired of that psychic and that

"Haunted Premises" guy. We're the ones who

should get paid for this."

"Well, we have to serve, Az. That's the way it

is," Asmodeus replied with a shrug of his

wings.

"No wonder Lucifer got so pissed off," Az

murmured under his breath.

"Getting pissed off is one thing, but trying

to form a union? A whole other story. Heaven

is a right-to-work state," Asmodeus answered

him, shaking his head a little.

The rooftop of the house was coming up fast,

and both Az and Asmodeus hovered in the air

for a moment. A little black and white dog

tied up in the yard looked up and barked at

them. Az frowned for a moment, and then

pointed his scepter at the dog. The rope

broke, and the stunned dog stood there a

moment, then ran, snuffling joyfully in the

neat flowerbed in front of the house before

starting to dig, flowers flying everywhere.

"Why do you always do that?" Asmodeus asked

him as Az smirked down at the dog.

"Because a dog shouldn't be tied up to a house

outside with no fun and no socialization,

that's why. Besides, the flowerbeds needed

aerating," he answered as the priest's

demanding voice howled up at them again.

"Come on. Father John is calling. Let's do

this," Asmodeus said with a grimace.

The two angels flew through the roof, through

the attic, the second floor, the first floor

and finally into the basement. They landed in

front of the gesticulating priest in full

garb, the uniformed host, the psychic in beads

and earth tones and the parents, still

clutching each other and probably silently

cursing the daylights out of their real estate

broker.

"Hail Mary, full of grace . . ." they chanted

in unison.

Peals of devilish laughter filled the

basement, unheard by the humans but the two

angels spun to see several demons in absolute

stitches, lined up against the far basement

wall watching the show.

"Hey, we didn't divine you!" Az hissed,

starting to point his scepter at the giggling

group.

One demon held out his claws in a "wait a

minute" gesture.

"Hold on, Gabriel, we're not possessing this

place. We just came up to watch these guys

fleece this couple," he said, a waft of

mirthful smoke puffing from his wide nostrils.

"The way things are, we don't even have to do

evil deeds anymore. These people put us to

shame. Even the priest doesn't believe what

he's doing."

"My name's not Gabriel. It's Azazel," Az said

with a hint of indignation. "Gabriel has a

horn."

"Potato . . . Potaaato," the demon said

dismissively before bursting out in new peals

of laughter as the group of humans formed a

circle.

"We have him on the run, he's in the midst of

us!" the priest cried, beating at the empty

space in the middle with his crucifix. "Join

me. Beat the demon out!" Everyone started

beating the air.

"Hey, I wouldn't mind if the wife beat me

off!" another demon chuckled and they all

burst into raucous laughter.

Az turned to Asmodeus.

"I don't know what's worse, this or an actual

possession."

"This is," Asmodeus answered, frowning at the

demons before turning to face the humans. "At

least we get to scorch their scaly asses when

it's a possession. Come on. Let's do it."

Both Az and Asmodeus pointed their scepters at

the basement cubby hole. A golden divine light

filled it, completely unseen by the humans,

who continued beating their imaginary demon.

"Hey, are you charged by the kilowatt for that

light?" a demon heckled.

"I hate this," Az said as the beautiful,

wasted glow dissipated. Now they had to wait

another half-hour before the sweating priest

dabbed his forehead with his vestiges and

pronounced the house cleansed. The excited

host told the cameraman to stop filming and

proclaimed it a spiritual victory. The family

thanked them profusely, the wife still

managing to look pretty doubtful. But the

house was cleansed, considering it had never

been possessed in the first place.

"Man, I love it," one demon said, wiping away

the tears. "Not only do they fleece these

people, charging them out the ying yang for

fake testing and trumped up costs, they make

these two bozos waste their time coming down

here just because a guy in a black robe with

serious belief issues calls them. Heaven is

one big comedy show. C'mon guys, let's go get

warm."

With that, the demons all puffed out, black

smoke and laughter swirling behind them.

A bit dejected, Asmodeus said, "Come on, Az.

Let's get back to the clouds."

The two unappreciated angels passed back

through the house and headed for the third

sphere. The dog barked a goodbye, completely

covered in dirt before racing after the

departing priest, host and psychic, making

them run for their cars.

"Good dog," Az breathed as Asmodeus frowned at

him.

"Did you do that?" he asked his fellow angel.

"Do what?"

"Make that dog go after those three?"

Az looked hurt.

"Of course not. Dogs are well known as being

great judges of character. Apparently, it's

true," he replied, trying not to smirk.

Asmodeus didn't say anything. Angels weren't

supposed to be able to lie, but you never knew

. . . especially with Az.

As they drew nearer their heavenly abode, Az

asked his partner,"Asmo, have you ever

considered taking up another cosmic gig?

Another heavenly plan?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Another plan . . . like Nirvana or maybe

Paradise?" he asked.

"No, because there's nothing to do in Nirvana.

It's worse than heaven. At least in Heaven we

get the occasional job. You don't do crap in

Nirvana. They aren't interested in earthly

life, so there's no reason to go down there,

and all they do is contemplate themselves,

which is the spiritual equivalent of sitting

around and jerking off. Now, Paradise is good

for a laugh. You find demons there all the

time," Asmodeus said.

"Really? You've been there?" Az asked

interested as they landed on their cloud.

"Yep. It's one of the biggest cosmic jokes

there is. Oh, it's a beautiful paradise all

right, and there are 72 virgins waiting for

each man who's done his jihad, but that's

where the good times end," Asmodeus said.

"I've seen it, and there's nothing good about

being overrun by 72 lustful women. At first

they're smothered and practically pulled

apart, then have to fuck until they're raw,

then start all over again . . . it's a full

time job, and if that's not bad enough, after

they're done, they no longer have 72 virgins

but 72 wives. That's where the afterlife gets

really bad. Unlike earth, they don't have any

other men around to control the women. There

is no Shariah law, because there's no one to

enforce it. Eventually, the afterlife turns

into the Islamic version of hell, with free

thinking women who pay the husband no mind.

There is no death, so he can't kill them and

keep them dead. When they return, they're

pissed off and he becomes the one killed over

and over. Jihad my ass. They'd do better to

convert."

"Wow, sounds like a set up Lucifer would come

up with," Az said admiringly.

"He's in the mix. Mohammed never should have

mentioned him," Asmodeus said, taking his

place on the cloud and tilting down his crown.

It would probably be a long time between

missions.