A little while ago I began a new thread at the forum called "Beyond News." This was the first post:

"Members and other lunatics will be highly pleased to learn that Beyond News has introduced a new feature. And members and other lunatics will be highly disgusted to learn the details of the new feature. That only goes to show the ingratitude of people who don't appreciate the good work of others.

"Anyway, the new feature is to be called The Daily Report of Stories on Beyond News. It is, as anyone can gather from the title, a daily report that will only appear when I feel like reporting. This report will cover all the stories appearing on Beyond News that day, and will only include those I like. You can see that this is to be a highly exclusive report, with emphasis on the exclusive.

"And now, to present to you the very first report...

"I don't feel like doing one right now. How about tomorrow?

"manana, manana...

"Hey, I don't get paid for this, you know. If you'd like to do this free service, you're welcome to do it. But we're not hiring unless you pay for working here. And anyway, people who do stuff for free are highly suspect. That's why I'm wondering if I should do this daily report. I'll let you know."

Someone called "cogito ergo sum" had this to say:

"I think, and mind you, that's why I am, this new feature is the best thing to not happen since the end of the world that didn't happen as promised.

"I love all disgusting things that don't happen as expected or promised. This promises to be one such thing that I expect will not happen. But I doubt, and mind you, I doubt everything, if this will not happen. There are people who just love disappointing others. I'm sure Karim Jessa will disappoint everyone by actually coming out with this report. As long as I'm in it, I won't mind too much. When's the next report? Tomorrow, you say?"

Then "Split Personality," a confirmed lunatic, cried:

"Where is this new feature? I don't see it. I sent a message to the Editor. He's still out there looking for it. Can't even rely on the news anymore. Why would Beyond News bring on such reporters? I hope there's a report tomorrow. Otherwise I promise not to wake up."

I replied:

"How could you not see it? You must have looked on the wrong side. You're so split you can't see things on the other side of your split personality. Make sure tomorrow you wake up on the wrong side of the bed or you'll miss the report again."

Later I added:

"Let me sleep on it. If tomorrow the sun is shining I might be out, so I won't be able to do the report. If tomorrow it's cloudy or rainy, I might not be in the mood to do any reporting. If tomorrow it's neither sunny nor rainy nor neither, I probably won't be awake."

And finally I felt I must present the report. And I did. Believe me. This is the report:

"Here it is! The Daily Report. The report that earned its name by your daily expectations. The daily, unfailing, reliable, regular report has made its unvarying disappearance. Pregnant with expectations it has now given birth to a new generation of expectations.

"Lunatics have come to rely on The Daily Report the way they rely on the weather forecast and the horoscope. The weather forecast and the horoscope appear daily but daily fail to deliver what they promise. The Daily Report daily delivers on its promise to appear tomorrow.

"You can bet your life on it that if tomorrow comes The Daily Report will come. The tomorrow is not in my hands but the report is. It's still in my hands waiting for tomorrow. And it did come. I looked at my calendar and saw that today is yesterday's tomorrow.

"Here's the report.

"(I have to take a pee break. Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back.)"