Close WindowA Journey to ContinueBy Coleen Dirk
I wonder what does it matter.... really that we are useful or productive anymore. I mean at 60, or 63 or 66 or? Isn't the world taken over by the children of our generations? They are brilliant, more than any generation before them. They live with such intensity daily in more activity then several people together could have accomplished years ago. But their lives are mostly in doing .... rarely being. We lost the just being somewhere and instructed them well to not accept it either. As we the older generation had our lives filled with the activities of our minds, and bodies, searching and seeking, obtaining knowledge, it consumed us, even when we realized it so much becomes obsolete the moment we learn it. The instructions to our projects are more complicated then the project they are for. In all the complications of things, we follow behind and yet still desire to lead. Overall the young look at us with assumptions that they know more. Perhaps they do or do they fear allowing us to say what we know reveals the wisdom they lack, that which they have not paid for and will certainly expose its self in us when given the chance. I wonder.
Is it difficult for some of us, when this generation we birthed glances upon us one day and are startled by what they see? We are so aware of those moments. This same look we gave our parents those years ago..., we saw the vulnerability in their faces that we had not seen before, that day we were shocked that they were old like our grandparents. It did not creep up on them or us, it is just one day, one moment and you know, they know. . . They look at us differently and you wonder what is wrong, but you know. I saw it too that day I woke and saw my mother looking back at me from the mirror. So I knew I could not hide it. Yet they look at you as if something is so wrong, for just a moment and it seems like they don't understand. How does that happen? They looked deep into our eyes noticing and they are afraid, yes they feel fear and there is the inevitable feeling of loss and sadness you see on them. They did not notice before, but today they do. They see your step not as steady and your pausing to think when talking and your eyes are old, so very old and tired and they see that. Yes they see what cannot be disguised. The look is of shock and you cant escape it. It feels as if you let them down somehow. They know from this moment on that they have lost and the roles must change.
They rise up some of them to lead and to dominant now, they desire to be strong and yes for those who are foolish they assume their wisdom is greater with this new sense of responsibility. So they lead not allowing to be lead anymore by one so old. Some days when they are tried, or quiet they hear us speak and they turn and listen and are amazed. They did not understand that many years of time have taken their toll on our bodies, but wisdom in the heart and mind continues to increase for eternity. Yes even in those who's minds appear dormant. Wisdom was resurrected again, it was always there.. This mind full of memories and wisdom learned only in the hardest places, and only available to those of time, now speaks and they listen understanding these moments are most profound. How can one so seemingly fragile, stand so strong from within?
It is amazing to experience such things, when others see a life changes so drastically. The response can shake us deeply if it is too obvious. Yet even in that we know what they cannot know now. This I am certain, I am wearier on this journey now, my body is, and yet my heart and mind want so much more. The choices of my heart, have left me with wounds where the bleeding still occurs. I chose this life where my heart lead and where reason was not allowed. Reasoning never allows one to reach beyond. I did not know there would be times on this journey I chose, where my heart could not carry me through, and yet these were the places where I met my strength.Those hard places are the core of the character created in me. Do we look back and regret? Can we not see the truth in it all. Did we step in too deep because we needed the acclamations that would never matter anyway? What is the reason for those choices we make? The things the journey produced in us is what we allowed. They cannot be seen, nor should it matter. We cannot hold those things in our hand. It is the things planted so deeply, the seed grows without acknowledgement, and it grows and it grows and it blooms. It stands among the other blossoms and blooms and no one knows where the seed came from or why. But you do and you did and you understood that you may never know the end to the possibilities of the journey of such a one, but you were productive somehow. Your heart was lead away and you are old now and somehow it must matter still.
Our choices every moment of everyday have detained us many times from the very things we dreamed about. Our hearts wanted more, and so we agreed, not knowing we would be broken so deeply. So why not step out of the boat onto the water, after all this is our journey, we are writing the story, and it can go on for eternity, our eternity where we have chosen to live.