April 17, 2012

Dont Blame Yourself

Dont blame yourself, dont blame yourself.

These are words that other parents and nonparents say to me continually. I try to abide by these words, but there are days like today when I cannot. Days like today when I can think of nothing other than the fact that my son, my beautiful boy that I gave life to and raised in a loving way chose to take his own life. Chose to end his life and ours along with it.

How can I not blame myself, at least at times? How could any mother not blame herself to some degree for the suicide of her child? A young man with so much promise, so much intelligence, so much energy and so much love to give. He was my friend, my son and a wonderful person without a selfish bone in his body. Yet, he chose to execute the most selfish act that a person can.

I dont care what anyone thinks of my feelings, they are my feelings. I dont care what anyone thinks of my thoughts, they are my thoughts. I dont care what anyone thinks of my pain and anguish, they too are mine. No one knows how I feel or what I am going through. On days like today.

Every fiber of my being hurts today, every thought is a thought of guilt. I feel physically ill. Why would my boy choose to leave me. These are my questions and I dont want anyone to give me their answers. Not on a day like today. Only David knows and hes not here to tell.

I have a hole in my chest that will never be filled again. Sometimes its not as apparent as it is today. I know that even though my heart is broken beyond repair; it will continue to beat. Why is that? I know that I will never understand and a day like this magnifies it all.

So, dont tell me I have nothing to feel guilty about Dont tell me that I was a good mother; did all that I could do, etc. Not today, not today.

Not on this day when I feel what I feel and it is mine to feel.