April 23, 2005

I AM FIFTY-FIVE WHICH LINE DO I STAND IN

By Judith F. Mendoza

Here I am at the age of fifty-four I am standing in the unemployment line. The last time I stood here I was twenty-seven years old. The company I was working for was remodeling our office and laid the office staff off for a couple of months. And now twenty eight years later, here I stand again. I survived a divorce, got remarried had a child at age thirty. But not even menopause, turn me inside, over and out like the day my beloved employer of 21 years passed away. I had my plans set; Dec. 21, 2009 I would semi-retire, work part-time for him. Oh, how that seem so real at the time. But, those dark clouds seem to find me. I always felt like the dark clouds were always somewhere waiting for me. I felt that I must have done something in my life, that I deserved it. So back into the employment line I went, depress. Who would hire me now I too old. Even with house payments, loans to pay and kids to feed. Oh, I forget to mention that our three kids plus our two grandchildren to move in with us. Also, we had started to remodel our home about that to, the termites move in too! So, with life moving and wrench was throwing into the machine. And, all hell broke loose. So, my employment payments started to come in the mail. I went through the motions of finding a job. Went to interviews, learned how to write a resume again. Did, everything the employment office ask of me. So I applied for some temporary, but nothing stable. Then I get an offer for a full time job. My new employer's conversations over the phone were great. We talk a long time, she asked questions I answered, and we laugh. But, it was the job from hell. She was that boss who beat you now until you were so weak, you did want to fight back. Your only defense was to keep quiet even if you knew the answers." Don't say word". Was the sentence I would say to myself?

She took away my pride, cause me to question myself. I finally broke down and went to a therapist. I got employment payments reinstated because I wrote everything down, about the abuse and harassment that I went through. I finally got over those feelings of being so stupid and so useless, but some of it still follows me into my new jobs. I am not so confident anymore and I do nothing until I am told how and what to do. Then I got hired at a high school, as I library assistant. I found my niche again, thanks to Ms. Rock, for having patience and confidence in me. She explained everything about the position that I as applying for that she could not a promise anything permanent and that their are no benefits for this position since it was only a temporary position. I wish I could talk about my job from hell with her, but I try not to recall those days of being beat down. I like to tell how I would come home from work crying every day, because I got reprimanded for not taking a message correctly or talking to loud, which by the way was not me doing the talking, but I didn't say a word. How could I not take a message correctly I did it for 21 years. Now at my new I work with teenagers. I love working with them. Some do try my patience but there are some who are really nice and pleasant about the old lady in the library. Some I can talk and reason with and their others who have no respect for no one or anything. I try to discuss the aspects of their education with them, trying to get to listen that life is hard, but you make it easier if you take your school seriously. I know some of them can't or refuse to hear me. I remember never listening too. But, if I can touch just one person, it would make me feel like I made, too. But like all good things in my life like this job is only temporary to. If school is out on winter or spring breaks, I don't get a pay check. I found something that I like to do but it is out of reach again for me at Fifty-five. So excuse me which line do I stand in now. Maybe the welfare line, but wait the government says I make to much money. I wish the great IRS would show me where all that money is. Maybe I could stand in the bankruptcy line, but then again I pay my bills on time even if sometimes I have to take from Peter to Paul. Maybe I could check into the Psychiatric ward, but you see my will power to survive is to strong. So please tell me which line I stand in.